Big Banker

White House Says Tracking Bank Data Deters Terror (New York Times) 

I think the administration is counting on us feeling "scandal fatigue" at this point and they’re dribbling these programs out one at a time. They seem to think that Americans want the government to spy on us, or at least that’s what they claim. "It’s okay," they say we say, as long as they’re spying on people who are known to be Al Queda.

Well, duh! If they know the people are Al Queda before they spy, then by all means, go ahead. But if you know, then why don’t you get a warrant? Aha. A logical problem. The problem is that they don’t know. They’re trying to find out, via the so-called shot-gun approach–shoot everywhere and see what sticks. Dick Cheney has some personal experience with this, not surprisingly. In this approach, you do hit the innocent much more than the guilty due to sheer volume and spread of the shot. In such a wild goose chase, you can wind up shooting everyone but the goose.

But fair and balanced Tony Snow told the press:

"You can go ahead and look at your own polling, and you will find that Americans — if somebody says, ‘Do you want a program that listens in on people who have been identified as al Qaeda terrorists?’ — the answer would be, ‘Yes, I would like to do that. I would like to find data on it.’ "

I agree wholeheartedly. My answer would be "Yes. I [Avi Bar-Ze'ev] would like to do that. I [Avi Bar-Ze'ev] would like to find data on it [so I know the government isn't blowing smoke up my ass]."

The problem is, there’s no data for me to find. I have to trust officials who claim in congressional testimony that the fourth amendment doesn’t contain the words "probable cause" or that those words carry no weight. Show me an official who doesn’t get or want to be promoted within the administration for "towing the line" and I’ll start to think about trust.

But we(I) at Brownian Emotion aim to serve the public good. So in that vein, here are the next few scandals that will be revealed, in order, from now until November. I guarantee these, BTW, or your money back:

Government is secretly viewing your credit/debit purchases.

"Terrorists especially like the cards with frequent flyer miles, but they never go for reward points for merchandise, except bombs. It’s a dead giveaway."

Government is secretly viewing your Internet history via Windows Genuine Advantage or some such trojan spyware.

"We find that terrorists especially tend to look at virgin burka porn, as well as sites like Epicurious.com, for tasty recipes on non-pork alternatives. Oh, and they’re pirates too, software, movies, you name it."

Government is secretly sampling your sewer lines.

"We can tell a lot by the non-pork content of most American sewage."

Government is secretly looking inside your fridge.

"This is where terrorists store the bomb-making materials. And if you’re innocent, you’ll have some raw pork in there too. Eat more pork, America."

Government is secretly tracking your gaze.

"It’s already illegal to photograph most public places, but if we even catch you looking at one, you’re on the list! And don’t even think about looking at Laura’s boobs, you prevert!"

Government is secretly smelling your ass in public too.

"Ever go through one of those ’sniffer’ machines at the airport? It’s a bluff–just to see if you’re nervous. But wait till they build these into every A/C duct in every public space. Sniff. You ate chickpeas!"

Government is secretly listening to your iPod.

"It turns out, terrorists like John Denver. We’re not sure why. But if you’re innocent, don’t listen to John Denver, unless you borrow your friend’s iPod. But if you friend has John Denver music, he might be a terrorist,. So maybe just don’t listen to music to be safe."

Government is secretly watching what you read.

"Enough said. Reading anything is dangerous, let alone the New York Times."

Government is tapping Santa to tell if you’re naughty or nice.

"Santa is a foreigner anyway, so we shouldn’t outsource this vital program anymore, unless it’s to a Saudi conglomerate. Kids, the definition of ‘naughty or nice’ might change a bit. Stay tuned."

So as you can see, the New York Times will have plenty to print between now and the election. Better get cracking!