My Fellow F***ing Americans

[The following is an excerpt from the 2019 State of the Union address by President SAMUEL L. JACKSON.. President Jackson enters the House chamber alone, dressed in a black jacket and dark sunglasses, with a shotgun at his side. He nods casually to friends as he reaches the podium, all to a thunderous standing ovation.]

Thank you. Now that’s what I’m talking about!

[Applause continues for several more moments.]

Okay. Enough! SHUT UP AND SIT THE F*CK DOWN!

[Applause abruptly stops. Dignitaries take their seats.]

MY FELLOW F***ING AMERICANS, THE STATE OF THE UNION IS NOT GOOD.

WE ARE AT MOTHERF***ING WAR!

When is the last time any of you went outside?

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE! NOT WITH THE MOTHERF***ING TERRORISTS OUT THERE.

I’M TALKING ABOUT THE MOTHERF***ING BIRDS DIVEBOMBING YOU DAY AND NIGHT.

AND IF IT’S NOT THE MOTHERF***ING BIRDS, IT’S THE MOTHERF***ING SNIPER SQUIRRELS, OR THE EXPLODING GODDAMN SUICIDE SHEEP, OR THE MOTHERF***ING SNAKES.

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE MOTHERF***ING SNAKES.

It turns out, some a**hole let loose some SECRET GOVERNMENT VIRUS and made all the animals TOO GODDAMN SMART. And you know the rest of the story. WHEN I FIND THAT A**HOLE, I’M GOING TO KICK HIS MOTHERF***ING ASS.

But right now, WE ARE AT WAR. AND IT’S EITHER US, OR THEM.

We grieve for the loss of California, and Oregon, and Florida. Who’da thought the MOTHERF***ING MANATEES WOULD DO SO MUCH DAMAGE IN FLORIDA? GOD DAMN! Or the California Condor. WE SAVED YOUR MOTHERF***ING ASS FROM EXTINCTION.

But there is good news to report.

ABORTION IS NO LONGER A PROBLEM. Thanks to my predecessors, the government has the power to REGULATE OUR MOTHERF***ING BODIES. We can now prevent all unwanted precnancies before they begin. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT WITHOUT A LICENSE, OR WE’LL FEED YOU TO THE MOTHERF***ING SNAKES.

And don’t complain to me if you can’t get a breeding license. STUPID MOTHERF***ING PEOPLE DO NOT GET TO BREED. WEAK PEOPLE DON’T GET TO BREED. If you can’t afford to have kids, get a job or join the army. And if you’re an animal sympathizer, DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT HAVING SEX. IF YOU LIKE ANIMALS SO MUCH, GO HAVE SEX WITH THEM!

Crime is way down, and accidents, divorce, and racism.

WHY BE RACIST WHEN WE HAVE WHOLE MOTHERF***ING SPECIES AFTER US? ME, I HATE RABBITS. AND I’M NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT. A RABBIT KILLED MY BROTHER. I HATE THE MOTHERF***ING RABBITS! AND THE BUTTERFLIES! LOOK AT MY EAR! A MOTHERF***ING BUTTERFLY BIT OFF MY EAR!

Drug use is up, and alcohol too.

WHAT THE F*CK DID YOU EXPECT? LOOK AT MY MOTHERF***ING EAR!

In short, be careful out there. If you have cats, or a dogs, or fish, DO NOT TRUST THEM! DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK ON THEM FOR A SECOND, NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY SAY THEY LOVE YOU.

THE MOTHERF***ING ANIMALS ARE OUT TO TAKE BACK THE MOTHERF***ING PLANET. AND THEY WON’T STOP UNTIL WE’RE ALL MOTHERF***ING DEAD!

Thank you, and may God Bless America.