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Posted By avi
I can safely disclose the following letter, since I know only two or three people will ever read this:
Dear Jew,
As you may know, our world-wide domination has continued unchallenged for over fifty years. We control all business from movies to mainframes and have key people planted in the seats of power in case any group, such as the Nazis, should ever again try to unseat us from power by trying to kill every last one of us.
We are strong, but yet there is risk in the world. Our plan to undermine certain Muslim leaders by making them look foolish or unwise (see news, news, news, news, news, news, and that’s just today!) is no guarantee of our long-term success. And Israel, though strong, is technically still at war with most of her neighbors, who, despite occasionally advocating a Palestinian state, often forget to remind the world that their "roadmap to peace" is the total destruction of the state of Israel and the expulsion of the Jews.
So we need your help immediately. Your specific instructions are as follows:
- If you do not have a good education, get one immediately.
- If your income is currently low, you can apply for a loan from the secret Jewish World Domination Fund. Do not expect overt (read: traceable) payments. Instead, payment will be made in the form of chocolate gold-wrapped coins. Do not eat these.
- Become a Doctor, Lawyer, or Media Mogul, but preferably one of the latter two. Lawyers can become political and business leaders. Media Moguls can shape the public mind with our own brand of misinformation about foolish Muslim leaders.
- Marry and produce as many children as you can afford. We must out-populate the Muslims and the Irish.
- Make as much money as possible. Invest. Buy things. Own things. Control things.
- Do not run for public office–this will get too much attention (note: Lieberman is a rogue and must be stopped). Rather control the levers of power secretly, discretely, and effectively.
- If you experience any form of anti-semitism, violence, prejudice, chastisement for killing Christ (our greatest coup in history!), or criticism of Israel, report it immediately. Do not panic. The offenders will soon be "eliminated" by our secret squad of black-suited assassins, cleverly disguised as Hasidic Jews.
- Always wear clean underwear.
Your mission is a secret one, so do not tell anyone of our plans on pain of extreme guilt, bordering on death. Your mother is a Jew. Your grandmother is a Jew. They will be watching you, as will we all. Next Year, in Israel!
Sincerely,
The Jewish World Domination Committee.
Mar 5th, 2003